费玉清和张菲节目视频:看老外的关系学

两周前，我写过一篇名为“爱是动词”的文章。在罗杰的评论中---要得到满意的生活就要把爱情和其它亲密关系当作银行的账户一样来处理。在这里，我想详细解释一下这个想法。

Emotional bank accounts, this is another Covey metaphor to explain how trust is gained and maintained in a relationship and is another one of my “Ah-ha” moments from his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. In my opinion this is one of the most powerful ideas on creating and maintaining relationships with others be it co-workers, friends or family members. Our emotional bank account begins with a zero balance and, like a fiscal bank account, you can make deposits or withdrawals.

情感银行账户，是科维的一个比喻，解释了亲密关系中的信任是如何获得并得以维系的。当时我在读他的那本名为“高效家庭的7个习惯”的书，读到这个比喻时，我非常赞赏。我认为在如何创造并维护与他人的良好关系方面，这是最有力的一个思想，无论是对同事、朋友还是家庭成员来说都是如此。我们情感银行的账户以零开始，像财政账户一样，你可以进行存取操作。

Emotional Deposits:

情感储蓄活动有：

·being kind  

·待人友好

·apologizing and meaning it 

·道歉，不弄虚作假

·saying good things about those that aren’t present 

·对不再现场的人给予良好评价

·making and keeping promises 

·承诺并遵守承诺

·forgiving 

·谅解他人

Emotional Withdrawals: 

情感支出有：

·being disrespectful 

·对他人不敬

·putting people down 

·压制别人

·being rude and discourteous 

·对人粗鲁无礼

·holding grudges 

·嫉恨别人

·throwing the past in people’s faces 

·当面评论他人过去的错事

·not following through on commitments 

·不履行承诺

When we make emotional deposits into a relationship it grows and gets stronger. Our trust, respect and confidence in that person grows and we are more understanding and tolerant of their mistakes when they happen. The flip side to this is continually making withdrawals without having enough in reserve and potentially becoming overdrawn. When this happens it introduces bitterness, resentment and a complete lack of trust. The good news is that this CAN be turned around by making regular deposits.

当我们对一种关系不断进行情感储蓄时，这种关系就变得越来越强。我们对一个人的信任、尊敬和信心不断增加，我们就越能理解并容忍他们的错误。事情的另一面就是不断的支取，而不进行储蓄，那么很快就会超支。超支的结果是不满、愤恨和缺乏信任。好的消息是，这种情况仍可以通过增加储蓄来扭转。

Here are the 6 major ways of making deposits to an emotional bank account as outlined by Covey. 

科维提到了6中向情感账户增加储蓄的办法。

1、Understand the person.  To truly understand someone else we must be able to empathize, be willing to take a step back, separate ourselves from our own viewpoint and try walking in the other person’s shoes.  Truly listen when they are speaking and avoid getting defensive or becoming distracted with trying to think of what you’re going to say in return. Spend some time figuring out what makes them tick and understand why this relationship is important to them and to you. Only by trying to understand who you are building this relationship with can you know which actions are going to be deposits and which are going to be withdrawals in their emotional bank account.    

1、理解他人。要真正理解他人，我们必须有同情心，愿意让步，把自己与自己的观点分开来，并能够设身处地的为他人着想。他人在讲话时要真心倾听，不要有戒备心或者心烦意乱，总试图想着自己怎么回应他人。花些时间想想是什么让他们如此表现，理解这种关系对你和对他们为什么这么重要。只要努力理解你在和谁建立亲密关系，你就能知道什么样的行为是在增加储蓄，什么样的行为是在不断的支取。

2、Keep commitments. Live with integrity, do what you say you’ll do, and always be true to who you are. Keeping commitments isn’t limited to keeping promises, although that’s a huge component, it is also a demonstration of respect for others you are building relationships with. So show up on time for meetings and appointments, always call if you’re going to be late for dinner, live up to your duties and responsibilities.  

2、信守承诺。诚信生活，做你说过要做的事，要做真实的自己。信守承诺不限于遵守诺言，尽管遵守诺言是一个重要组成部分，你还有表现出对他人的尊重。按时参加会议和约会也是信守承诺，如果你在参加宴会时迟到了，要打个电话告知，不辜负自己的任务和责任。

3、Clarify expectations.  It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship thrive and flourish if you don’t know what is expected of you. Imagine showing up to a new job and having your boss expecting you to know how to do something. This is completely unfair and will create a feeling of uneasiness. Ambiguity is detrimental to a relationship especially when it comes to defining roles, delegating responsibility and setting goals. Everyone has different experiences, expertise and capabilities so being up front with what’s expected will save a lot of heartache later on. Some of the expectations Gwynn and I have for our relationship are respect, love, open communication and honesty. We know that these are expected so it’s a lot easier to both be on the same page and honor those expectations.   

3、澄清期望。如果你不知道自己的期望是什么，就几乎不可能有一个良好的亲密关系。想像一下，你找到了一个新工作，让你的老板希望你知道如何做一件事，结果会如何。这是完全不公平的，会让人感到不安。对一种关系来讲，模棱两可是有害的，特别是在这种关系还处于确定角色、分配责任和设定目标的阶段时。每个人都有不同的经历、技能和能力，直面那些被期望的事情可以避免以后的麻烦。格温和我对我们之间的一些期望是尊重、爱、坦诚交流和诚实。我们知道这些东西是我们所期待的，所以对我们来说很容易达成一致并遵守这些期望。

4、Attend to the little things. It’s the little things that mean the most. Everyone likes to know that they matter, that they are important, appreciated and what they do isn’t going unnoticed. A smile, a wave and nice gesture all speak volumes and account for a lot of the more meaningful deposits in our emotional bank accounts. Don’t let an opportunity to say “thank you” or “good job” pass you by, it’s something that’s so simple and when said with sincerity means a lot.  

4、注意小事。以下见大。每个人都喜欢知道他们很重要，他们被人欣赏，并且，他们做的那些事情不希望被忽视。一个笑容，一个姿态和一个良好的手势都有很大作用，都在我们的情感账户了存下了很多的有意义的东西。不要让说“谢谢你”或者“做的真好”的机会溜掉，这些事情超级简单，但是真诚的说一句的意义却很重大。

5、Show personal integrity. This is the most important way of making a deposit.  Relationships are built on honesty and trust and if you can’t be trusted to follow through on your word this will likely be the most damaging withdrawal. It comes back to being true to who you are and doing what you say you are going to do. If you say you’re going to meet for lunch DO IT, if you say you’re going to make dinner DO IT, if you say you’re going to work on improving your relationship DO IT.  

5、展示个人的诚实。这是向情感帐号储蓄的最重要的方法。亲密关系建立在诚实和信任的基础上，如果你被大家认为不守诺言，那么这很可能是破坏性最强的支出。做真实的自己，做你说过你要做的事情，信任还会重新出现。如果你说你打算一起去吃饭 ，那就去做，如果你说打算去吃晚饭，那也就去做，如果你说自己打算努力改善你们的关系，做就好了。

6、Apologize sincerely. MEAN IT when apologizing for something big or something little. Saying sorry is NOT a sign of weakness. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Admitting your mistakes and being sincerely sorry for them can help both of you get over the incident a lot quicker and move forward. When used appropriately these are deposits. However, it can be a double edged sword. Apology after apology for withdrawal after withdrawal will come across as insincere, another withdrawal. It is a delicate balance but when done sincerely it can help to maintain the balance that you created by implementing the previous points.  

6、真诚道歉。道歉就要真诚，无论事情是大还是小。道歉并不是弱者的标志。我们都是人，都会犯错误。承认你的错误并真诚道歉可以帮助你们很快克服错误，并向前发展。如果用的适当，这就是在储蓄。然而，这可能是把双刃剑。支取之后再支取并为此道歉再道歉会让人觉得不是真诚的道歉，是又一次的支取。这是一个微妙的平衡，但是真诚的道歉能够帮助你维持通过以上各种方法创造的平衡。

Don’t waste another day saying “I should contact Bob” or “I really should do something for Sue” there is no time like the present and it really doesn’t take a lot to make a deposit in their emotional bank account. Don’t forget to keep adding to those strong relationships you have established as well since it’s these continual deposits that have made them so strong in the first place.Take a minute to think of the relationships in your life. Are there any that need to be mended? Are there some that could use a top up?

不要再浪费时间说“我应该和鲍勃联系”或者“我真应该为苏做些什么”、没有任何时间能像现在一样。在情感帐号里做储蓄并不花费太多时间。不要忘记要一直增强你已经建立的关系，因为正是这些持续不断的储蓄让它们变得那么牢固。花一分钟想想你生活中的各种关系。有需要修补的吗？是否有一些可以作为最后的办法使用呢？