办公局域网组建:再好也不属于我

再好也不属于我(上）-----

LOEFFLER was my trophy intellectual. We met at a party, where he hovered around my conversational circle for a while and then came up to me and asked, "Are you with someone?"

吕弗勒是我认识的一个花瓶一样的知识分子。我们在一次聚会上相遇，他在我谈话的圈子周围徘徊了一会儿，然后走到我面前，问我：“有人和你一起吗？”

"Yes," I said. I'd come with my office mate, another editor.

我说：“是的。”确实那一天我是和一个同事一起去的，他也是个编辑。

"Come home with me," he said.

他又对我说：“跟我一起回家吧。”

I did. We sipped dry sherry on his porch until sunrise, and shortly thereafter he moved in to my small Florida home.

我真的跟他回家了。我们在他家的门廊上啜饮着干雪利酒，直到太阳升起。此后不久，他搬进了我在佛罗里达的小家。

I began displaying him almost immediately, once I'd reviewed his credentials. They were just about right: Harvard, N.E.H. grant, a fellow at Yale, two sabbaticals in Africa, where he labored at compiling a Chamba dictionary. One night I half-woke and mumbled some words, and he shook me awake: "You know what that is, don't you? It's Chamba."

自从看了他的履历证明后，我几乎立马开始炫耀他。他从哈佛大学毕业，获得过美国人文基金会的资助，是耶鲁的研究员，两次在非洲度年假，在那里辛苦的编撰他的昌巴人词典。有天夜里我半睡半醒的时候嘟囔了几句，结果他摇醒我，说：“你知道你说的什么吗？知道吗？那是昌巴语。”

But no, I don't speak Chamba, not even in my sleep. There are only about 20,000 Chamba speakers in the world. Maybe one day they'll use Loeffler's dictionary, if he ever completes it.
He has another unfinished book, on African motifs in "Finnegans Wake." He's been writing this book for about 20 years, including the two years it took to put his notes on computer when he got his first PC.

但那不是昌巴语，我不会说昌巴语，即使在梦里也不会说。现在世界上说昌巴语的人只剩20000人了。如果吕弗勒的词典完成了，也许有一天他们能用得上。

Publish or perish did him in academically. He couldn't finish his work, so he couldn't publish it, which meant he couldn't get tenure, which meant, essentially, the end of his academic career and along with it any reliable way of having an income. Oh, he got a grant at one point and also had some money from the sale of his mother's house. But mostly he lived cheaply and was happy to be supported principally by others - by me for example.

他还有另一本未完成的书，关于《芬尼根守灵》中的非洲主题。他写这本书已经用了大概20年时间了，其中包括他有了自己的第一台电脑后把所有笔记录入电脑的那两年。学术上他要承受不出版就完蛋的局面。他完不成自己的工作，就没办法发表，就意味着他没法获得长期聘用，从本质上说，这就意味着他的学术生涯以及于此相关的任何稳定的收入的结束。哦，他得到过一点补助金，卖掉他母亲的房子也让他得到了一点钱。但是大多数情况上他生活的很拮据。并很高兴得到别人的帮助，比如我的。

By the time I met Loeffler I'd already had a trophy husband, a man so tall and handsome and mannerly that I sometimes believed I married him just to confound my family, who long before had decided I was too stubborn and uncommunicative to attract a desirable man. That's the unspoken agenda in acquiring a trophy anything, to say to those who doubted you: Look, you were wrong.

我认识吕弗勒的时候已经有了一个花瓶丈夫，他高大英俊，彬彬有礼，有时候我觉得我之所以嫁给他就是为了让我们家人大吃一惊，因为他们很长时间以来都认为我太固执，有太沉默寡言了，所以无法吸引到一个好男人。世界上最棒的事情的就是向那些怀疑你的人说，看，你错了吧！

After I separated from my trophy husband and was left with three children and no child support or alimony (my husband, too, had arranged to have no income), I procrastinated for a long time on initiating a divorce. For one thing, I knew the whole endeavor would fall on me; I'd have to pay the fees for us both and complete the paperwork, file everything, see it through.

我离开丈夫后，要抚养三个孩子，没有子女抚养费也没有赡养费（我丈夫也没有收入），所以我拖了很长时间没有离婚。首先，我知道所有事情都要我来做，而且我还得负担我们两个人的费用，完成文字工作，把一切都归档整理好，还得想办法让事情顺利完成。

But also I had the idea ... well, I don't know why I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I had the idea that maybe I could sell him. This was back when I lived in New York, and I imagined a wealthy Manhattan woman might spot him, a tall, handsome, well-spoken man, and think that, even as an escort, he was worth something. So she would ask me to divorce him, and I would say to her, "I'll sell him to you."

但是我还有一种想法……恩，我不知道为什么承认这一点让我很尴尬，但是我确实有这样的想法，或许我可以卖掉他。我在纽约生活时这种想法又回到了我的头脑中，我想象着一个富有的曼哈顿女人或许会现场买了他，毕竟他是个高大英俊，善于言辞的男人，想想吧，最算是给人做护卫者，他也应该值点钱吧。所以她可能会要求我跟他离婚，然后我会跟她说：“好吧，我把他卖给你。”

Just such a woman ran over his foot one day, as he stood waiting for the light at Lexington and 59th Street. She jumped out of her Lexus and apologized profusely, but unfortunately he did not get her name or phone number. I would have called her, definitely.

有一天，当他在列克星敦的59街等待绿灯时，有这样一个女人开车碾过他的脚，然后她跳下自己的雷克萨斯向他大表歉意，但不幸的是他没有要她的名字和电话号码。不然我一定打电话给她。

Trophy intellectuals also are not without selling points. For example you never have to do any research. When I asked Loeffler a question - "How important is sequential order in narrative presentation?" - he gave me the answer.

这个花瓶一样的知识分子也不是没有卖点。比如，跟他在一起，你可以不用被迫去做任何研究。当我问他一个问题时，比如“在叙事性报告中相继次序有多重要？”他就会告诉我答案。

Loeffler was best at small parties. At big parties he got lost. It was different with my trophy husband. His height caused him to stand out. I remember flirting with an average-size mathematician at a party. He asked me to point out my husband. When I did, he exclaimed enviously, "Oh, wouldn't he be the tallest man here?" And it seemed entirely natural for him to say that. It's the sort of thing that happens when you have a trophy husband.WITH a trophy intellectual you sacrifice height for hair, or at least that was the case with Loeffler, whose thick hair grows like a furious wind-whipped fern forest from his forehead. And he has the other stuff, too: the piercing eyes, the knitted brow, the sudden rewarding laughter.

在小型聚会上吕弗勒是最棒的，在大型聚会上他就不行了。这和我的花瓶丈夫不同，我丈夫的身高让他非常引人注目。我记得又一次在聚会上和一个中等身材的数学家调情时，他让我指出哪个是我丈夫，我照做了，结果他嫉妒的大叫：“哦，他是这里最高的人！”这话对他来说似乎还真是合适。如果你有个花瓶丈夫，这应该是常事。

But with a trophy intellectual (or a trophy husband for that matter) you also sacrifice basic competence and assistance in life's demands for raffish charm or good looks or a kind of precious companionship. And the play of power, in a trophy relationship, goes like this: You can ask your trophy to do something, but you cannot expect.

和一个花瓶知识分子在一起其实就是牺牲身高换头发，至少这句话对吕弗勒来说很合适，他前额上厚厚的头发就像是狂风中的蕨类植物丛。此外，他还有其他一些吸引人的东西，比如充满讽刺意味的眼睛，紧蹙的眉头和突然爆发的鼓励式的笑声。

For example I asked both my trophy husband and my trophy intellectual to take out the trash, and neither knew what I was talking about. I also asked both to get a job, but that suggestion went nowhere as well.

但是和花瓶知识分子（或者花瓶丈夫，就像我一样）在一起，你也要为这些俗艳的魅力、美貌或珍贵的友谊牺牲掉生活中基本能力和帮助。在这种华而不实的关系中，事情会是这个样子：你可以要求那个花瓶男人去做什么事，但不能报什么希望。

For example I asked both my trophy husband and my trophy intellectual to take out the trash, and neither knew what I was talking about. I also asked both to get a job, but that suggestion went nowhere as well.

比如，我让我的花瓶丈夫或者花瓶知识分子去把垃圾倒掉，但他们都不知道我在说什么。我也曾让他们两个去找工作，但也没起什么作用。

Decisions on entertaining, new clothes, major purchases (washing machines, vacuum cleaners), whether we could afford Europe this year - this all fell to me. The debit side of this much responsibility was that all of our negative experiences, acquisitions and travel were my fault. On the credit side, of course, was that all positive results ended up in my column as well.

而招待客人、买新衣服、买主要的家电（比如洗衣机、吸尘器），以及我们今年是否能够负担得起去欧洲的旅费，等等，这一切都落在了我身上。如果没招待好客人，没买好东西，旅行不愉快，那就是我的错，就要由我来负责。当然了，如果做得好，账单也全部归我。
再好也不属于我(下）----
I loved dressing both of my trophies. When my trophy husband and I separated, there was a whole wardrobe of Saks Fifth Avenue shirts at the laundry that was lost to history because neither one of us would pick up the laundry, he too passive, I too stubborn. He had ties to die for and a collection of cashmere socks that I used to wash by hand.

我喜欢打扮我的两个花瓶男人。当我和我的花瓶丈夫分开后，有一衣橱从萨克斯第五大道精品百货店买来的衬衫被丢在洗衣店里没人去领，因为我们俩都不会去，他太被动，而我太固执。他只剩了领带和一堆上羊绒袜，因为平时这些都是我来手洗。

He eventually wound up with a baby boomer who supported him with her great career and big salary while he made her breakfast, went out for the paper, ironed her clothes, packed her lunch: all those tasks I never could seem to get out of him. I could weep when I think of the care I lavished on his socks.

最后，他被一个在婴儿潮时期出生的女人迷住了，那个女人有很好的工作和收入，能够供养他，而他给她做早餐，帮她拿报纸、熨衣服，给她做午餐便当，他从来没有为我做过这些。每当我想到我曾经那么精心的照顾他，我就要哭。

Dressing Loeffler was much harder. He wouldn't let me take him shopping. He bought his clothes at the Goodwill on Federal Highway and the Church Mouse in Palm Beach. This meant he got the castoffs of the guys who went to St. Mark's and Harvard or Yale, so he was able to stay within his learned dress code.

打扮吕弗勒就难得多了，他不让我带他去商店。他自己在联邦大道的Goodwill以及棕榈滩的Church Mouse买衣服。这也就意味着他能够买到那些去了圣马克、哈佛或耶鲁的家伙们抛弃的衣服，所以他能够保持把自己打扮的像个知识渊博的人。

Once we were all dressed up, standing in line for tickets at the Society of the Four Arts, a peculiarly Palm Beach institution. If you're not a member, you can't buy tickets. But if you're standing at the box office, appropriately dressed, and there are unused members' tickets, you are allowed to purchase them. We were there because Loeffler was in love with Frederica von Stade.
I was happy about Loeffler's eccentric crushes. They were always appropriate for a trophy intellectual. He also adored Jamaica Kincaid and Jeanette Winterson. Some women feel threatened if their men exhibit any outward-directed passion. But I felt our relationship was enriched by these passions. Loeffler's passions were bread and wine to me.

一旦我们都穿着得体，那就是在排队买Society of the Four Arts的票，这是一家位于棕榈滩的特殊机构。如果不是这里的会员你就买不到票。但是如果穿着得体的站在卖票间里，也可以购买非会员票。我们去那里，是因为吕弗勒喜欢弗德莉卡·冯·斯塔德（美国次女高音）。我对吕弗勒古怪的爱好感到高兴。知识分子都有一些古怪的癖好。他还崇拜牙买加·琴凯德和珍妮特·温特森。有些女人在他们的男人对其他女人充满热情时会觉得受到了威胁，而我觉得这种热情让我和吕弗勒的关系更加充实。他的热情对我来说就是面包和酒。

But coming up with appropriate dress for this concert was proving to be a problem. After going through boxes and boxes, Loeffler finally found a $10 tux at Goodwill, and I discovered I fit into my youngest daughter's prom dress.

但是要为参加这场音乐会找到得体的衣服可是个问题。在遍寻之后，吕弗勒终于在Goodwill找到了一件10美元的晚礼服，而我发现我小女儿在班级舞会上穿的礼服很适合我。

We looked good. Rather, we looked good up close. From a distance, you could see that the crotch of Loeffler's tux pants fell at about knee level.

我们看上去很好。更确切的说，我们接近于看上去很好。从远处看，你可以看到吕弗勒礼服的裤裆都要掉到膝盖了。

When the von Stade concert was over, a woman sidled up to Loeffler and asked him a question. Soon he was arguing, his usual style of conversation. I moved a bit closer, curious to know what they were saying. Oh, no, she was arguing that everybody's reality is equally valid and that therefore there is no reality.

冯·斯塔德的演唱会结束后，一位女士走到吕弗勒面前问了他一个问题。很快他就以他一贯的谈话方式说了起来。我靠近一点，想听清楚他们在说什么。哦，不，她在说每个人的实体都是同样有效的，所以没有什么实体。

I knew what Loeffler thought of that.

我知道吕弗勒对这一点怎么看。

He looked over and inclined his head, which meant that he was ready to leave and wanted me to drag him away. I went over and said in a loud voice: "Your plane is at 8 in the morning. If you have any packing left to do, you'd better do it tonight."

他向上看并歪着头，这意味着他准备离开，并希望我把他拖走。于是我走过去，大声说：“你的航班是明天早上8点钟，如果你想打包行李，那最好是今天晚上弄好。”

He looked surprised, as if a stranger had told him that he had been elected to some office. "Me?" he seemed to say, although the tickets were in his jacket pocket.

他看上去很惊讶，就好像一个陌生人告诉他他已经被某件办公室录用一样。他好像在说“我吗？”尽管机票就在他的衣服口袋里。

He bowed to the Palm Beach woman, and we left, possibly looking more ridiculous as we moved farther away.

他向这个棕榈滩女人鞠了个躬，然后和我一起离开了，也许当我们走远的时候看上去更可笑。

And the next day there would be a farewell at the door, me still in my nightgown, Loeffler in his Church Mouse good suit and fresh white shirt, shaved and shining, on his way to Oaxaca, Mexico, to observe the Day of the Dead. And from that day on he would be dead to me, as he, in Oaxaca, would fall in love with someone else, and they would run away together, and it would be left to me to gather his notes and manuscripts and mail them off to him.

第二天我们将在门口道别，我仍然穿着我的睡衣，而他穿着从Church Mouse买来的上等西装和新鲜的白衬衫，胡子刮得干干净净，出发去墨西哥的瓦哈卡，庆祝墨西哥的传统节日亡灵节。从这一天开始，他对我来说以及死了，因为他在瓦哈卡爱上了别人，他们将一起离开，而我将会把他所有的笔记手稿整理好邮寄给他。

In such a relationship one is always the dreamer, and it falls to the other to be the practical party. With my two trophies I'd always been stuck in the role of the practical party. I'd been the one with the job, the means, the power and the will. And I suppose I liked that part of it. But over the long haul it wore me out.

在这样一种关系中，总有一个人是梦想家，而另一个人就要成为承担现实的角色。和这两个人在一起，我都摆脱不了做承担现实的角色的命运。我是这样一个角色，要工作，要想办法，要有能力，要有意志。我想我喜欢这样，只是长期下来，这让我筋疲力尽了。

What I'm looking for now is someone useful, a working man, a classic, the low-cut jeans. If he's not a plumber, he'll work at the power company or maybe BellSouth. He'll be someone I can watch football and basketball with, ice hockey even. No upkeep, no display, no occasions. Just a man who's hard working, dependable, loyal and in possession of necessary skills.

我现在找的是个有用的人，一个有工作的人，一个典型的、穿着低腰牛仔裤的人。如果不是水管工，在电力公司或者贝尔南方工作也行。他是那种我可以和他一起看足球、篮球甚至冰球的男人。不用保养、不用炫耀、不用去这种那种场合。只是一个男人，他努力工作，可以依靠，对我忠诚，拥有必要的技能。

Two mounted heads on my wall are enough.

有两个前车之鉴对我来说已经够了。