阴阳师御行达摩碎片:爱的构架（转）

The Framework for LoveIt was an autumn night in my native Nova Scotia. A light rain was falling, making tapping sounds on the tin roof and the smell of mould filled the old lodge we were vacationing in for the weekend. A shiver in the air inspired a fire on the Franklin stove. We were all sipping hot chocolate and then my father went over to the upright piano, pushed up the sleeves of his shirt and began picking out a tune with one finger. He was not much of a pianist, but he knew the love of song and family. My mother put down her sewing and joined him on the bench and then my brother drifted to the piano as well.Finally, a poor singer and so usually a violinist instead, I added my voice for a line or two. My father, ever considerate, said, "See, you can sing, darling. That was good." I have often remembered how warm, happy and loved I felt growing up.It took me years, though, to learn that the love in our family didn’t just happen. In fact, love never just happens—not even to people who seem as naturally loving as my mother and father. But, I would hedge to bet, there is a framework you must live within to let this gift that has no rivals mature. First, love needs time. Perhaps people can recognize in a moment the possibility for love, and make grand declarations such as "I love you" within weeks of having met, but this love is comparable to the beginning of a long road up a mountain with many ups and downs. Mature love is like a living organism. It parallels the life of an oak tree, growing slowly from a seed in the mud to a slender trunk with barely any leaves and finally into its sheltering glory. We cannot manipulate or speed up the amount of years it needs to grow, but must instead, with wit and patience, appreciate one another’s differences and share one another’s joys and pains over time. So it is sad when divorces are caused by small provocations, when parents and children give up on one another, when friendships fall apart at the first injury, when we give up on love. Too often we say "farewell" to someone we have loved without due thought and end up paying an emotional toll that is quite costly. I once knew a father and son who, saddled with their respective troubles in life, had drawn so far apart over the years that they found little to say to each other. And, without each other, their lives had become hollow. The son, just out of college, had planned to spend the summer traveling in an old yellow lorry on the two-lane highways that connected the country together before freeways. One day, when he was nearly ready to leave, he spotted his father approaching on a busy street and was struck by a singular loneliness in that long familiar face. He invited him to stop for a beer. Then on impulse, he said, "Dad, come along. Let’s spend a summer together." At great risk to the family business, the father, a furniture salesman, went along with his son. Together they camped, climbed mountains, sat by the sea and explored city streets and sleepy villages. "I learned more about being a father in the last two months than in all my son’s 21 years," the father told me shortly after their trip. Everyone’s life should have room for loves worth risking sizable pieces of time we think we can’t spare. We should not mislead ourselves into thinking that the ones we love must be like us. The key is to recognize and appreciate our differences. Those differences provide the mystery and wonder of human relationships.Love needs another, harder-to-find quality as well, the ability to let go. In the early years of my marriage, I had faulty notions that my husband should want to be with me all the time. On our first visit to his family’s house, I discovered that the men did things together and the women did the same. My father-in-law stole my place next to my husband in the front seat of the car, and the two of them often went out together, leaving me with the women. I complained and made my husband miserable, caught as he was between the people he loved. My mother-in-law said wisely, "Being with his father is one part of his life; being with you is another. Be happy about both of them." I learned that love is like an elastic band that must stretch apart before it pulls you back close to one another. It is a coming tide whose waters retreat a little after a single wave, but the next one is closer to your heart than the one before. Finally, love needs words to make it real. Without words, quarrels can’t be resolved and we lose the power to share the meaning of our lives. The important thing is to acknowledge and express our feelings. In this way, we can truly send the spirits of those we love as well as our own soaring upwards. Love is not a single act, but a lifetime adventure in which we are always learning, discovering, growing. It is neither destroyed by a single failure nor won by a single kiss. It can only be achieved through patience and understanding. 爱的构架时值秋夜，在我的故乡新斯科舍，小雨淅沥，轻叩锡铁屋顶。我们周末度假寄住的古老小屋，弥漫着一股霉味。空气寒冷得让人发抖，于是我们点上了富兰克林取暖炉。我们悠然地喝着热朱古力，接着父亲走向立式钢琴，卷起衬衣袖，伸出一指敲一曲。他算不上一个钢琴家，可他知道歌中的情、家中的爱。母亲放下手中的针线活，和他同坐在一条凳子上，然后我哥哥也快缓步走向钢琴。最后，不太能唱歌却能拉拉小提琴的我也凑热闹唱了一两句。一向体贴人的父亲说：“你看，你也可以唱的，宝贝。唱得很好。”   我常常记得成长的过程中感受到的温暖、幸福和关爱。虽然我花了好些年才知道，家人的爱不是凭空产生的。事实上，爱从来就不是凭空产生的，甚至对那些看上去像我父母那样天生充满爱的人来说也一样。但是，我愿打赌，你必须生活于一个构架之中，方能让爱这一无与伦比的礼物瓜熟蒂落。首先，爱需要时间。也许人们可以一眼看到爱的可能，见面几周后就郑重宣布“我爱你”等等，但是这样的爱，相当于刚开始爬山，而这漫长的爬山之路充满着起起落落。瓜熟蒂落之爱就像一个有生命的机体。它跟一棵橡树的生命一样，从土里的一粒种子开始，慢慢地长成几乎无叶的细枝，最后枝繁叶茂、足以遮荫，成就其辉煌。我们不可调控或者加速其成长所需的年月，相反，我们必须用才智和耐心，始终欣赏相互间的差异，分享彼此的快乐和痛苦。因此，如果因小怒而离婚，父母孩子相互不信任，在第一次受伤害后中断友谊，或不再相信爱，那是令人痛心的事情。我们常常未经深思熟虑就向某人说“再见”，结果付出了非常昂贵的感情代价。我曾经认识一对父子，他们被各自的生活困难困扰，多年来距离越拉越远，结果相互间几乎没话可说，而相互间没了依靠，他们的生活变得空虚。儿子大学毕业后的那个夏天，打算开着黄色老卡车到连通全国的双车道公路上周游一番（那时还没有免费高速公路）。有一天，在准备出发时，他看见父亲沿着繁忙的街道走来。父亲熟悉的脸上带着的孤苦令他震动。他邀父亲停下来喝杯啤酒。冲动之下，他说：“来吧，爸爸。让我们一块儿度过一个夏天吧。”他父亲是个家具推销商。虽然冒着家里生意受损失的大风险，父亲还是跟儿子走了。他们一道宿营，一道爬山，一道坐在海边，一道探索城市的街道和幽静的乡村。在他们旅行后不久，他父亲告诉我：“在过去的两个月里，我学到的为父之道比我在我儿子成长的21年的岁月里学到的都多。”每个人的生活，都应该为爱的人留出空间，为我们爱的人抽出我们认为抽不出的时间是值得的。我们不应该误导自己，认为我们所爱的人必须像自己一样。关键是认可和欣赏我们间的差异。这些差异使得人们之间的关系有了一丝神秘和新奇。爱也需要另一种更为难得的能力──放手的能力。在我结婚的头几年，我错误地认为我丈夫应该想时刻和我在一起。我们第一次去拜访他家时，我发现他们家的人做事时男的和男的在一起，女的与女的在一起。我公公占了我的位子，坐到前车座我丈夫的旁边。他俩常常一道出去，将我留下和女人们在一起。 我向我丈夫抱怨，让他夹在他所爱的人当中，痛苦不堪。我婆婆说得好：“和父亲在一起是他生活的一部分；和你在一起是另一部分。你对二者都该感到高兴啊。” 我明白，爱就像根松紧带，在它将你们紧紧拉在一起之前，必须先松开。爱又像涌来的潮水，一浪过后先退却一点，下一浪才会比前一浪离你的心更近。最后，爱需要言语来实现。没有言语，争吵不能得到解决，这样我们就失去了分享自己生活意义的能力。重要的是承认并表达自己的情感。这样，我们才能真正使我们自己和我们所爱的人兴高采烈。爱不是一次性的行为，而是一生的探索。我们总是在这种探索中学习、发现和成长。一次失败不能毁灭爱，一次亲吻也不能赢得爱。唯有耐心和理解才能得到爱。