人民网的夜读:夫妻不同的爱好也能为婚姻加分？

不久前的一个夜晚，我的丈夫JB告诉我，他因为不想错过一场电视直播的高尔夫锦标赛，不想和我一起参加一场婚礼了。还好当时我正在刷牙，没有脱口而出“绝对不行”，而是冷静地考虑这件事。

But this interaction is representative of a common issue we deal with in our partnership – balancing our individual hobbies and interests with our relationship needs. I think this is particularly salient for us as we are both in our early thirties and have had these passions and priorities in our lives for a lot longer than we have had each other!

这件事代表着处理夫妻关系中需要解决的一个重要问题——如何平衡双方不同的兴趣爱好而不至于影响婚姻质量。对于我本人而言，这恐怕非常重要，因为我和丈夫是一对刚过三十的年轻夫妇，各自都有不同追求的我们的还要共同走过漫长的一生。

For new couples especially, finding a balance between time together and time apart, as well as how much your partner’s interests become your own, is essential for a healthy relationship. Below are four suggestions for honoring – not changing – your individual hobbies while making them a positive aspect of a partnership instead of a point of contention.

特别对于新婚夫妇，健康的夫妻关系，需要平衡双方在一起和分开的时间，以及让自己喜欢上多少配偶的兴趣爱好。下面是四条建议——您并不需要完全就此改变自己——如果能够做到，就能让这些爱好成为你们双方不同的兴趣爱好为婚姻加分，而不是争吵的导火索。

1. Respect: Our passions and interests make us who we are and our partners as well. When JB entered my life a year ago, so did his love (and I mean, love) of golf. His commitment to early morning tee times, less-than-ideal playing conditions, and the overall frustration one endures in this game astounds me. But it also reflects the dedicated, focused and goal-oriented side of JB that I love so much. I know he feels the same way about my enthusiasm and commitment toward blogging. He sees how happy I feel when I hit the “publish” button and he would never want to keep me from something so fulfilling.

1、尊重：我们的追求与兴趣造就了我们，当然也包括我们的伴侣。几年前，当我的丈夫JB走进我的生活时，他完完全全爱上了高尔夫（没错，就是“爱”）。他对早晨下场击球、容忍不理想的场地和有时表现出得巨大挫折等“献身”表现让我震惊。不过这也正反应了JB的投入、专注和进取心，这也是我爱他的原因。我知道他也这样对待我对写博客的爱好。他理解当我点下博客中的“发布”按钮时愉悦的心情，他从未让我远离这件带来如此强烈满足感的事。

Mutual respect in all areas is integral for a healthy and satisfying relationship. And showing that you value your partner’s interests is an important display of respect. If you know your partner loves to read on Saturday afternoons for a couple of hours, try not to schedule anything during that time. Of course, respect works both ways. Sometimes, there might be something that just has to be done on that Saturday afternoon. Finding a common ground means that from time to time, the hobby gets put on the backburner for the good of the relationship. I don’t commit to “couple” plans very often that would keep JB away from the golf course on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and JB appreciates that. So when I do ask him to come with me to something at that time, he happily does. He doesn’t take advantage of the respect I show for his passion, and in return, there is no resentment when our relationship needs to be the priority.

在生活的方方面面中夫妻间的相互尊重构成了一个健康并令人满意的夫妻关系。表示出你对你对爱人的兴趣的承认是展现尊重的重要方法。如果你知道你的配偶习惯于在周六的下午进行几个小时的阅读，那就不要在这段时间安排任何事情。当然，尊重是双方的。有时，周六的下午确实需要完成一样重要的工作。这也就意味着，有时爱好就必须要被当作没那么重要的事情。我很少在我们的“夫妻”计划中安排周六和周日晚上的活动，这样就不会影响他的高尔夫课程，他非常感激。所以当我需要他在那时去做一些事情的时候，他都会很高兴地答应。他并没有从我对他的追求的尊重中占到任何便宜，作为回报，当夫妻关系影响到个人兴趣时，他也没有怨恨。

2. Reframe: Golf has provided a built-in balance in our partnership. I look at it as not something that’s taking away time JB could be spending with me, but rather as time I always have to focus on my own interests and nurturing other relationships in my life. Of course I could and do make time for these things aside from just when JB is occupied, but sometimes it’s easy to lose focus, especially in the excitement of a new relationship.

2、改变：高尔夫为我们的婚姻提供了一种内在平衡。我并不把它作为一样会让JB更少时间陪我的一件事，相反，我总要关注我自己的兴趣，并且培养我和他人的关系。当然，我可以，而且确实曾经在JB没空时抽出时间来做这些事，但有时，特别对于处于新婚的兴奋期时的我们，很容易忽视这一点。

Having healthy dosages of “me” time in a relationship helps make the “together” time even better. Filling our soul with what we love to do means we aren’t looking for a partner to do it for us. And when you come back together with your heart and mind full from what energizes you (it doesn’t always have to be a passion per se), you have so much more to give to your significant other. So when a partner’s hobby takes him/her away from you, fill that time doing or finding what you love to do.

在婚姻中，正常的“独立”时间会让“共同”时间更加和谐。用我们热爱的事情填充自己的灵魂，意味着我们不需要寻找一个为自己做完这些事的伴侣。然后，我们可以重新以饱满的热情对待你重要的Ta（当然并不需要时刻过于兴奋）。所以，当你的伴侣为了自己的爱好而暂时忽略你的时候，你也应该考虑做些自己热爱的事。

3. Share: While time alone is great, one of the best ways to find balance within the relationship is to actually incorporate these interests into your time together. I had never touched a golf club (outside of miniature golf) before I met JB. But we’ve made some great memories on the golf course with him tying to teach my uncoordinated self how to hit a little white ball and us both laughing as we watch that little white ball roll about 2 feet after my “swing.” And the other day, he shyly asked me to help him set up a Google Reader. It’s wonderful to share in something that is so important to the other person. It helps you understand who they are and why they love what they do so much better.

3、分享：尽管两人分开的时间同样珍贵，但提升夫妻关系的最佳方法之一还是让自己爱上伴侣的爱好。在遇到JB之前，我从来没有碰过一根高尔夫球棒（玩具除外）。但我们就一起在高尔夫球场上留下了许多十分珍贵而且美好的回忆。在一次高尔夫球课中，他尝试的教会身体极不协调的我正确地击打那些小白球，最终结果是我们都为我摇晃着将白球打向离球洞2英尺的地方狂笑不止。而另一天，他害羞地请我为他注册一个谷歌阅读服务（Google Reader）。与人分享对他重要的东西是一种极为美好的事情。这会让你更加了解他们，更懂得为什么他们如此热爱自己正在做的事。

Despite the spelling, there is most definitely “me” in relationships. This New York Times articlediscussed various studies positing that happy marriages and partnerships are not necessarily based on putting the relationship first, but making sure your own needs for “self-expansion” — using the relationship to “accumulate knowledge and experiences” — are being met. The more self-expansion, the more satisfied partners are, the longer-lasting the relationship is. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. And learning about someone’s interests, while educating about our own, is a perfect way to have self-expansion in a relationship for reasons other than dining out.

“我”在夫妻关系中的地位也是十分重要的。最近一期的《纽约时代》中的一篇文章就提到了一些研究，他们认为愉快良好的婚姻关系并不把关系本身放在第一位，而是确保关系中有足够的空间让双方“自我膨胀”——让两人的关系为自己“积累知识和经验”。自我膨胀越得到满足，双方会更加满足，这种关系将会更加持久。当你仔细思考后就能充分理解。继而，懂得对方的兴趣爱好的同时让自己得到学习确实是一种比约会就餐更好的自我膨胀方式。

4. Talk: This is probably the most obvious way to address this issue, but likely the one we forget to do – or forget to do effectively. Communicate with your partner. How will these different hobbies affect your lives? What will be some parameters? What are some compromises (try not to use the word “sacrifices”, it has negative connotations) that each partner is willing to make? And most importantly, let your partner tell you why he/she loves something so much and you do the same. I know that among other things, golf is an outlet for stress for JB and he needs it to decompress. Once I understood it provided that relief for him, I could see it as more than just him playing a game.

4、沟通：这可能是解决这个问题的最明显的方法，但也可能是我们最容易忽视——或不能有效地去做的方法。多与自己的的伴侣沟通。这些不同的兴趣爱好将怎样影响你们的生活？那些将会成为限制？我们要作出哪些妥协？（我们不要使用“牺牲”，因为这是个贬义词）最重要的是，我们都要知道深爱对方的原因。据我所知，高尔夫是JB发泄压力的方式，而他需要减压。当我理解了这一点，我会发现高尔夫对于他不只是一中运动。

With a freshly cleaned mouth, JB and I were able to discuss and effectively resolve the aforementioned wedding/golf conflict. When two people have their own passions and can share them with each other, but also maintain them as individual priorities, the relationship is a happier place for everyone. Commit to picking up the proverbial golf club and embracing your partner’s passion and letting them into yours as well.

刷完牙后，我和JB就能有效地讨论并解决婚礼与高尔夫的冲突了。当两个有着不同追求的人懂得与对方分享自己的追求，并尊重对方，两人的关系将会更加密切，更加美好。拿起球棒，拥抱伴侣的爱好，再让Ta也走进你的世界吧！