免费出版书籍阅读软件:什么时候不宜过多做爱

在心理健康专家那里，这个问题讨论的非常热烈。性病理的定义范围很广，包括越过法律界线的性以及任何涉及侮辱或自伤等降低人们自尊的性行为。然而，对于什么是“强迫性的”或者“上瘾了的”性行为或者这种现象是否存在，人们还有很多争议 。更别说宗教团体的意见了，它们认为超越法律和道德界线的性行为是罪恶行为，即使是这方面的幻想也不行。

It's no wonder most of us are confused about whether our own relationship to sex is "normal."

多数人对自身与性的关系是否“正常”感到很困惑，这并不奇怪。

Throughout history, the universal truths about sex have changed. Definitions of healthy sex have fluctuated. Homosexuality, once considered a perversion, was eliminated in 1973 from the list of  psychiatric illnesses. Other categories of sexual behavior once considered deviant have undergone similar normalization as attitudes toward sex have changed. Up until the eighteenth century in the U.S., the age of sexual consent was 12, with between 16 and 18 now the ages, depending on the state.

有史以来，有关性的看法一直处于变化之中。对健康性行为的定义也一直有所变化。同性恋曾被认为是变态行为，但是在1973年，人们不再将其看作精神疾病。随着人们对性的态度的转变，其它一些一度被认为是离经叛道的性行为也经历了相似的正常化过程。在美国，直到18世纪，允许发生性行为的年龄一直是12岁，而现在，这个年龄是16到18岁，各州有所不同。

Among professionals, the role that sexual fantasies play in our lives has also caused much disagreement. While sexual fantasies are now considered a universal experience, Freud and other early psychoanalysts believed that sexual fantasies resulted from feelings of deprivation in the absence of sexual satisfaction. Many experts still maintain this view, further reasoning that certain types of fantasies are signs of psychopathology. For them, a fantasy involving a patient's sexual submissiveness, for instance, is viewed as a deeper symptom of "masochism."

专家们对性幻想在我们生活中扮演的角色也有很大分歧。现在，人们认为性幻想是普遍行为。佛洛伊德和其他早期的心理分析学家相信性幻想来自于性需求得不到满足而产生的情感剥夺。很多专家仍持此种观点，并进一步推断某种类型的性幻想是某种精神疾病的信号。例如，在他们看来，有性顺从幻想的人具有重度的“性受虐狂”的症状。

Some psychotherapists, sexologists and religious counselors say sexual fantasies should never be acted out because such activity might serve as a stepping stone to pathological, antisocial or even violent behavior. According to this theory, a wide range of sexual fantasies exist that fall outside of a set standard of normalcy. But, in fact, there is no scientific evidence to support the notion that acting out fantasies will lead to violent or perverse behavior the way substance abuse may lead to addiction.

一些心理治疗师、性学专家和宗教咨询人士认为性幻想的那些东西不应该在实际行为中出现，因为那样的行为可能引起病态的、反社会的甚或暴力的行为。根据这个理论，大量的性幻想就不再属于那套标准的正常行为了。但是，实际上没有科学证据支持这种把幻想付诸实践会导致暴力或反常行为（就像药物滥用可能导致成瘾那样）的观念。

My thinking about "bad" sex vastly differs from most of these points of view.

我这里关于“坏的”性行为与上面这些观点有着巨大的差别。

Our sexual fantasies and desires reflect our unique histories and are as original and varied as we are as people. Far from pathological or random, they represent subconscious attempts to heal unresolved childhood conflicts  or satisfy unmet needs. Our desires and fantasies have meaning and purpose that, once  decoded, then can safely and intelligently be used to create a satisfying and healthy sexual life.

我们的性幻想和性渴望反应了我们自身独特的经历，而且，正如我们人类自身一样，这些幻想和渴望也是既原始又多样。这些都远非病态或随机产生的，它们代表了我们在潜意识里试图治愈儿童时代没有解决的冲突或者满足我们没有得到的需求。我们的渴望和幻想所具有的意义和目的一旦被破解，我们就可以安全而理智的利用它们来建立一个令人满意而健康的性生活。

If we can achieve authenticity by aligning our sexual behavior with our fantasies and desires, we can permanently change our relationship to ourselves and satisfy a host of deeper needs. We can reclaim rejected, repressed or abandoned parts of ourselves and integrate them into our being, which is so crucial to our health. By challenging cultural values and norms, we will arrive at our own set of moral values and obligations that derive from self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

如果我们能够通过幻想和欲望调整我们性行为，获得真实的感觉，我们就能永久地改变与我们自身的关系，满足大量更深层的需求。我们就能够重新改造那些我们自身当中被排斥、被压抑或被抛弃的东西，将其重新整合到我们自身之中，成为对我们的健康非常有用的部分。通过挑战以往的文化价值观和规范，我们将形成自己的一套道德观念和义务，这些观念和义务从我们的自我认识和自我接受中派生而来。

Embracing our sexual truth reverses the corrosive influences of guilt and shame, and enhances our sense of self-worth. By honoring our fantasies and desires, we do not deny the dark and difficult aspects of it.

拥抱我们那真实的性，能够抵消内疚和羞愧带来的陈腐影响，增加我们对自我价值的感觉。赞美我们的性幻想和性欲，我们没有否认其黑暗和困难的那一面。

Sex can turn bad for us when we repeatedly pursue encounters with the hope that each new experience will relieve our tension, anxiety or boredom or help us escape from pain or conflict. Because our body produces a surge of powerful chemicals during the excitement of sex, binging acts as a momentary antidepressant blotting out pain and flooding us with feelings of well-being. But when the effect begins to wear off, we are left with even greater anxiety, feelings of emptiness or shame from which we also crave to escape. The thought and pursuit of sex progressively dominate our lives until we are caught up in a cycle of endless lust or romantic obsession.

如果我们不断追求外遇，希望每一次新体验都能缓解我们的紧张、焦虑和厌倦或者帮我们逃离痛苦或冲突话，性可能会变成对我们有害的东西。因为，在性兴奋期间，我们的身体里的某些成份会急剧增加，过度性爱就成为一种持续时间很短的抗抑郁剂，掩盖疼痛并让我们感到幸福。但是，当这种效果消失，留给我们的是更大的焦虑、空虚感或羞耻，而我们也难以摆脱这样的感觉。对性的思考和追求逐渐主宰了我们的生活，直到我们陷入无尽的性欲或对性的迷恋。

Every compulsion has a healthy intention—we enact rituals in an effort to soothe pain or conflicts—but the anarchy of compulsive lust leads to meaningless or reckless sex, or sometimes its opposite, sexual starvation. Without making a conscious attempt to understand the true nature of our sexuality and it's meaning and purpose in our lives, we cannot direct our energy towards healing. Compulsive acting-out indulges selfishness and self-loathing, where smart sex generates self-love and generosity.

每个欲望都有一个健康的目的---我们努力用每次的例行公事来抚慰痛苦或冲突---但是，具有强制力的性欲是难以约束的，常常导致没有意义或鲁莽的性爱，有事甚或转向它的反面，也就是性饥渴。如果没有意识到性爱的真实本质，没有理解它在生活中的意义和目的，我们就不能用这种能量为我们服务。强迫性的行为沉溺于自私和自我厌弃之中，而聪明的性爱则产生自爱和宽容。

My patient Jennifer knew exactly what excited her. It wasn't something to which she gave much thought, she simply acted it out. Jennifer was always attracted to risk and danger and never wanted to know why or what her preferences meant. "That would have spoiled the thrill," she told me in hindsight.

我的患者珍妮弗确切的知道什么能够激起她的欲望。她并没有过多的考虑过这些，只是照此行事罢了。珍妮弗总是为冒险和危险所吸引，从来没有想过她的这些行为意味着什么，以及原因何在。“考虑这么多就破坏了兴奋的感觉，”她事后聪明的说。

By the time Jennifer came to therapy, she had already admitted that her sexual activities had grown beyond her control. The fact that she was married with two children hadn't stopped her from secretly seeking sex with strangers. But when she found herself obsessively thinking about prostitution, she finally decided it was time to look for help. Until that point, her personal life had been geared around how and with whom she would next have sex. As soon as she finished one encounter, she was thinking about the next.

到珍妮弗来治疗的时候，她已经承认她的性行为超出了她自己的控制范围。尽管她已婚并有两个孩子，但这并阻挡不住她不断秘密寻求与陌生人做爱的欲望。但是，当她发现自己痴迷于考虑卖淫时，她最终决定要寻求帮助。直到那时，她的个人生活还萦绕在下次她会和谁以及怎么做爱里。每次外遇之后，她都会开始考虑下一次。

And surprisingly, no one suspected.

出乎意外的是，没有人怀疑。

"I was already having sex with strangers, why not get paid for it? That's how out of control I got," Jennifer said. "I finally realized, this has got to end. Is this what I want my life to amount to? I'm a 35-year-old whore cheating on my husband. I can't even let myself think about the kids. I was constantly afraid of being caught. That's when I made the decision to stop."

“我一直在和陌生人做爱，为什么不收费呢？”我没有办法控制这种想法。最终，我意识到，这种情况必须结束了。这难道是我想要的生活吗？我是一个不断欺骗自己丈夫的35岁老妓女。我甚至不敢想到孩子们。我经常害怕被抓。所以我决定不再这样下去了。

A year before she came for therapy, Jennifer had gone on the Internet and found a Sexual Compulsive Anonymous group that met during the afternoons when her husband was at work and she was at her most vulnerable. She began attending meetings several times a week.

在她来参加治疗的前一年，她在网上找到了一个匿名的性爱上瘾小组，丈夫去上班的下午她最容易受到诱惑，就出去约会。开始时，她每周都要参加好几次这样的聚会。

After a few months, with the support of her group, Jennifer made the decision to come clean with her husband. She felt she had to take responsibility for her behavior. It was also the first time in her life that she had ever taken her behavior so seriously.

几个月之后，在这个小组的支持下，珍妮弗决定和丈夫摊牌。她觉得自己必须为自己的行为负责。在她的一生中，她第一次这么认真的考虑自己的行为。

Her husband was both blindsided and devastated. He had no idea that Jennifer had a double life. He felt angry and betrayed. At first, he asked her to move out of the house, but not wanting to disrupt the children's lives, he settled for her sleeping in the guest room. He refused to move out of their bed or speak to her unless it was about the children.

她的丈夫极为震惊，倍受打击。他想不到自己的妻子居然是这样一个有着双重生活的人。他感到愤怒，觉得自己被人背叛了。开始的时候，他要求珍妮弗搬出自己的房子，但是，因为不想打扰孩子们的生活，他让珍妮弗睡在客厅里。他躺在床上不愿起来，也拒绝和她讲话，除非是有关孩子们的。

"I'll never forget the look on Michael's face. He was broken," she said, her own face ashen as she recalled the conversation.

“我永远也不会忘记迈克尔的表情。他心碎了，”她说，回忆起当时的对话，她的脸也变得苍白。

Somehow they survived the next six months. Jennifer faithfully attended SCA meetings. For the first time, she stopped keeping secrets and along with a deep feelings of shame, she also felt a sense of relief.

不知怎么，六个月后，他们的关系没有破裂。珍妮弗忠实的参加性爱聚会。第一次，她不再有秘密，不再有深深的羞耻感，她感到非常放松。

It had been an extraordinarily painful year for both her and Michael. Yet on the first anniversary of her sexual sobriety, to her surprise, Michael told her that though he would never forget the pain she caused him, he admired her determination to live a healthy life. He said he didn't know if he could ever fully trust her again, but he wanted to try. They both wept and for the first time since her disclosure, they slept in the same bed.

对她和迈克尔来说，这是个异常痛苦的一年。然而，在她节制性欲满一周年时，让她惊奇的是，迈克尔对她说，尽管他永远也不会忘记她带个自己的痛苦，他还是赞赏她过健康生活的决心。他说自己不知道能否再次完全信任她，但是他想试一试。在她吐露自己的秘密之后，他们第一次相拥而泣，睡在了一张床上。

But the more things improved with Michael, the more inexplicably sad she felt. She made another decision—to come to therapy to "finally face all the demons." When I asked her what that meant to her, she bowed her head and look directly at the floor. After a few moments of silence, she began her devastating story which she had told only one time before.

但是，对迈克尔来说，还有很多事情需要改善，最难以理解的是她留给他的创伤。她再次决定---来参加治疗，“面对这些恶魔。”当我问她这对她自己意味着什么时，她低下头看着地板。沉默片刻之后，她开始讲述自己那令人震惊的故事，以前她只告诉过一个人。

Jennifer and her two younger brothers were raised in a middle-class suburb of Detroit by her mother and stepfather. Her parents had divorced when she was six and within a year her mother remarried her high school sweetheart and her father's best friend. She was nine when, while watching television on the living room couch while her mother worked the night shift, her stepfather ask her to massage his shoulder which he said he injured at work. He had asked her before, but always in her mother's presence. She always took pleasure in the idea of pleasing him, and with her brothers sitting nearby, she thought nothing of it.

珍妮弗和她的两个弟弟生长在底特律郊区的一个中产阶级家庭，由母亲和继父养大。在她六岁时，她的父母离异，一年后，她的母亲嫁给了她高中的情人，也是他父亲最好的朋友。她九岁的时候，一天她在卧室的沙发上看电视，当时她的母亲在值夜班，继父让她给他揉揉肩膀，他说在工作时肩膀受伤了。以前他也这样要求过，但那时母亲都在场。她总是喜欢让继父高兴，而且，两个弟弟都坐在旁边，她认为没有什么不妥。

Later that evening, after her brothers were in their beds and she in her own, her stepfather came to her room to thank her. He sat on the edge of her bed, brushed her hair with his hand and gently kissed her on the cheek. Then, he placed his lips on her mouth and kissed her again. Though he left her room immediately after, in that instant her life changed.

后来，她和弟弟们都去睡觉了，继父来到她的房间表示感谢。他坐在她的床边，用手抚弄着她的头发并轻轻的亲吻了她的面颊。后来，他开始亲她的嘴。尽管他立刻离开了她的房间，但她的生活却由此改变。

Several nights later he returned to her room and instructed her to massage his chest. He removed his shirt and asked her to rub the lotion he had brought with him across his body. Within a short time, he pushed her small hand toward his penis and held it there.

几天后，他又来到她的房里，让她给自己按摩胸部。他脱掉自己的衬衫，让她把他带来的一种液体擦到身上。随后，他拉过她的小手放在自己的阴茎上。

His nighttime visits continued regularly and soon he was placing her face down on her bed, talking her clothes off and rubbing his body against her, until one night he raped her. "I was terrified. I never said a word. He told me that If I told anyone that he would tell them that I had made it up. No one would believe me," Jennifer said.

他的夜访仍在继续，很快，他把她脸朝下放倒在床上，脱掉她的衣服，用他的身体来摩擦她，直到有一天晚上，他强奸了她。“我吓坏了。没有说一句话。他告诉我如果我敢告诉其他人的话，他就告诉他们是我勾引他。没有人会相信我，”珍妮弗说到。

The rapes went on for several years, sometimes more than once a week. Finally, on the day of her thirteenth birthday, she gathered her courage and told her mother that her step-father was having sex with her. Her mother was shocked and devastated. Without hesitation, she called the police and when her husband returned from work he was confronted and arrested. The marriage ended right then.

这种强奸持续了几年，有时候一周就有好几次。最后，在她13岁生日那天，她鼓起勇气告诉了妈妈，继父在和她做爱。她的妈妈非常震惊，备受打击。她没有任何犹豫就报了警。她的丈夫下班后被抓。这桩婚姻就此结束。

Like most abuse victims, it was impossible for Jennifer to make sense of all the conflicting feelings of anger, shame, guilt, love, pain and fear that occurred during and after her sexual abuse. As she entered puberty and developed physically, she became even more confused. Now she had sexual feelings, but along with them, associations that frightened her: She could not stop fantasizing about her stepfather. She imagined having vaginal intercourse with him, a thought which she found both horrifying and pleasurable.

和多数虐待的受害者一样，对珍妮弗来说，不可能理解所有这些冲突的感情：愤怒、羞耻、内疚、爱、痛苦和恐惧，这些都发生在她受到性虐待期间及其以后。当她进入青春期并开始身体发育时，她更加困惑。现在，她有性方面的感情，但是伴随它们的，是与让她害怕的那些东西：她不由自主的想到继父。她想象着和他性交，这种感觉既让人恐怖，有让人兴奋。

By the time she was sixteen, she was having regular sex with older boys and men. She felt powerful knowing she could please them. She was struggling to gain control over the pain and indignity by unconsciously acting out a more pleasurable version of her abuse. But because the meaning and purpose of her fantasies and behavior were not part of her consciousness, they could not produce true healing. Instead, compulsive sex produced a numbing, narcotic-like effect, which, for a time, served its purpose.

16岁时，她开始和男孩和男人做爱。知道自己能够让他们高兴，她觉得自己很强大。对于自己受到的虐待，她表现的很愉快，这并不是无意识的，用这种办法，她努力控制着痛苦和屈辱。但是，因为她这些幻想和行为的意义和目的并不是她自我意识的一部分，不能真正愈合她的创伤。相反，强迫性爱让人麻木，有一种麻醉的效果，这个方法曾一度有效。

Now, twenty years after her abuse ended, she was finally dealing with those feelings rather than escaping from them. As we discussed the details of her trauma in therapy, she recognized that her childhood was stolen from her and could never be replaced. Soon she plunged into a period of genuine grief. Never before had she felt safe enough to allow such feelings and now that she had, she didn't think she would ever stop feeling sad.

现在，离她受到的虐待已经二十多年了，她最终开始处理这些感情，而不是逃避它们。治疗中，当我们谈论她这些创伤的细节时，她认识到她的少年时代被继父偷走了，不可能再回来。很快，她陷入了真正的痛苦之中。以前，她从来没有感受到过如此的安全，可以让她承认这些感情，现在，她有了机会，她认为自己一直会感到难过。

I invited Michael to the next session on the hunch that her experience would widen his understanding and, at the very least, foster compassion. I was right.

接下来的一次治疗有关直觉的，我邀请迈克尔参加。她的经历能够让他更了解珍妮弗，至少能够培育同情。我是对的。

As the deepest mourning lifted, anger replaced it. She began having fantasies of getting even with her step-father. At the time of his arrest, her mother had been advised not to prosecute her husband because the events surrounding a trial would further traumatize Jennifer. Now Jennifer felt outraged and wanted to punish him.

当最深的悲痛升起时，愤怒代替了。她开始幻想和继父在一起的时候。他被捕时，人们建议她的妈妈不要起诉他的丈夫，因为围绕着审判的那些事情会进一步伤害到珍妮弗。现在，珍妮弗感到愤怒，打算惩罚他。

During this stage, Michael and I bore witness to her story. Along with her SCA group, we supported her through each twist and turn of her grief over the period of a year.

在此阶段，迈克尔和我作为她的经历的证人。和她的匿名强迫性爱小组一起，我们支持她在一年的时间里度过悲痛。

The restorative powers of mourning are extraordinary. When the process is fully embraced, it runs its course and leaves room for a new perspective. And while life challenges can reawaken some aspect of the trauma, its affects grows less powerful with time. Eventually, the pain is left in the past and the task of rebuilding life in the present takes priority. Jennifer's courage paid off. She is finally prepared now to follow the steps of Intelligent Lust and establish a sexuality that is separate and free from the trauma.

悲痛的恢复力是非常大的。当这个过程完全实现时，事情会自然得到发展并为新希望留出空间。当生活的挑战能够唤醒创伤的某个方面时，它的效果会随时间而变弱。最终，痛苦被留在过去，而重建新生的任务呈现在面前。珍妮弗的勇气得到了回报。她最终准备继续理智性欲的步骤，建立一个远离创伤的性爱。