模拟人生4载入人物:单亲孩子看护的几点建议

单亲孩子看护的几点建议

by Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D

菲利普博士

Child custody mediation is a process in which parents work together to develop a plan for parenting their children after divorce with the help of a neutral third party. While mediation can be done privately, the use of court-connected mediation has rapidly grown over the last ten years. 

单亲孩子的看护是指，在一个中立的第三方的帮助下，为了解决离异夫妇抚养孩子的一个协调过程。尽管可以私底下进行，但是求助于法院帮助的比例在最近十年中不断提高。

In many states, the use of such mediation is mandatory before parents can litigate custody issues. The mediation process is one in which parents work together to devise a parenting plan that is mutually acceptable to both parents. 

在很多州，在夫妇对簿公堂之前，这种调节过程是义务的。这种调节过程的目的就是要达成一个双方都可以接受的结果。

This parenting plan may be quite structured, specifying the day-to-day time share of the children, as well as plans for holidays, vacations, and other special issues of the family. By working together in mediation to develop a parenting plan, parents can avoid the battles which are so damaging in an adversarial process, and can include their children in the decision-making in a way that empowers them in a healthy way.

这种计划是有机部分构成的。有每日的看护，有假日看护，和其他一些特殊的问题。通过在一起协调计划，这样就可以避免一些夫妇之间的争议，而且让孩子参与其中，可以使孩子成长的更有利。

When parents use mediation and develop a parenting plan on their own, their children will be able to avoid loyalty conflicts and are less likely to feel the stress of battling parents. When children are included in the decision-making process, they benefit because they can express their feelings and know that their parents are listening to them. 

在父母协调的过程中，孩子可以避免所谓的忠诚战争而且不太敢受到父母给的压力。在孩子参与到决策过程中时，他们可以表达感受而且让父母听从他们的。

Mediation gives children a much greater sense that they have a say in their lives and a freedom to contribute to the decisions that affect their lives. Courts that offer child custody mediation services do their clients a big service. Research shows that mediation can reduce litigation over custody. 

调节过程可以使孩子们体会到说话的权利，还有那种可以选择自由生活的感受。法院的这种行为给那些父母帮了很大忙。调查结果显示，这样做可以减少对簿公堂。

When parents participate in mediation, they are likely to reach a settlement 60 to 70 % of the time. Parents are usually much more satisfied with mediation than with litigation. Most important, however, if parents use mediation, they will have control over the parenting plan, whereas in adversarial litigation, the judge determines how parents will spend time with their children. 

当父母参与进来，有六七成的父母可以达成协议。父母对协调往往更感到满足。更重要的是，这种协调可以使父母对抚养计划有很清晰的了解。而如果是对簿公堂，就不能自主的决定如何来和孩子打发时间。

With the improved satisfaction, the increased mutual decision-making, and the decreased hostility, mediation is clearly a healthier alternative than litigation. For those parents who live in an area where court-connected mediation is not available, private mediation services are usually available and are typically well worth the investment, especially in comparison to the alternative of litigation. 

随着满意率提高，有越来越高的满意率，更少的敌对气息，这种调节明显更科学。如果那些不支持法院调解的地区，还可以找私人进行调节。而且这种活动是很好的投资项目。

Parents will probably save money and have more control over the outcome if they use mediation.

如果选择调节，人们可能会省钱而且会更好的掌控结果。

Approaching Child Custody Mediation

走进单亲孩子的看护

Approach mediation with an open mind, willing to listen. Parents who are open and listen to the mediator and their ex-spouse are the ones who are able to reach a settlement and develop a mutually satisfactory parenting plan.

这是中开放的，愿意倾听的调解活动。那些愿意倾听的，开放的人们在和前配偶的沟通中可以寻求一个共同满意的结果。

Those who believe there is only one solution to custody and visitation issues are usually fairly stubborn and generally refuse to compromise. If parents come prepared to be open, they can brainstorm options until they find a solution that works for everyone, especially their children.

那些相信只有一种解决方式的人通常是很固执的，而且不愿意折中方案。如果父母开明，他们会头脑风暴找到最好的解决方案，尤其是对孩子。

Parents should come prepared with several options. Do homework before mediation. Think about and write out proposals so that they can be referred to in the mediation session.

父母应该准备多种选择。在调节之前做好工作。在参看调节步骤前，想好和写好自己的建议。

A parent will not want to forget to discuss something that is important in the mediation. Parents need to make sure they understand their child's needs and stay focused on their child and his needs. Parents need to be aware of the impact of conflict on their child.

父母不会忘了讨论最重要的东西。父母需要理解孩子的需求然后关注他们的需求。父母应意识到争吵对孩子的影响。

Mediation is not the place to focus on the other parent. Mediation usually breaks down when parents argue about the "he said - she said" issues between them. This is not a place to rehash marital problems but a place to solve parenting problems after divorce.

调节的重点不在父母的另一方。调节经常因为“他说过，她说过”而终结下来。这不是翻旧账的地方，而是解决婚后问题的地方。

Parents need to communicate about their child and their perception of her needs. If a parent is concerned about the other parent's anger, he should talk about their child's need for peace. 

父母应该讨论孩子对他们的关心的需求。比如说，如果其中一方考虑到另一方的愤怒，那就应该讨论下孩子对平静生活的需求。

If a parent is concerned about the fact that the other parent lets his daughter stay up too late, talk about her need for routine and structure. Parents need to be open to what they might need to change for their child's benefit. Parents should always avoid character assassinations.

如果考虑到总是让孩子熬夜不睡觉，那就讨论孩子对生活规律的需求。父母应该为了孩子而选择那些有益于孩子的方案而变的开明

Parents need to bring a sense of balance and humor. At times during mediation, things get tense. Parents need to maintain a perspective that balances their desires, the other parent's desires, and their child's needs.

父母应该保持平衡和幽默。在调解中，会很紧张。父母应该保持对自己的愿望的平衡，以及孩子的需求。

While this is the goal, it may not be easy. If things get tense, parents need to remember that they are there for the children, not themselves. Parents do not have to like their ex-spouse to make an agreement on behalf of their children, they just have to love the children more than they hate the ex-spouse. 

这是目标，但不容易实现。如果事情变得紧张了，父母应记住他们是为了孩子，而不是他们自己。他们应该代表孩子而达成协议，他们应该更爱孩子而不是去恨对方。

Take a brief time-out from the mediation session if necessary. Some parents need several mediation sessions to reach a satisfactory settlement.

如果需要，那就来个简短的休息吧。有的父母需要这样做，来达成共识。

Listen to the mediator's advice and consider it. He/she will most likely have the child's best interests in mind, even if the parents cannot agree on what that is. Parents need to recognize that the mediator's job is to try and balance the child's needs and each parent's desires. 

听调解员的意见。他们脑海中会有孩子的兴趣所在，即使父母不同意这一点。父母应该认识到调解员的工作是试着平衡它们三者之间的需要和渴望。

The mediator does this while encouraging parents to reach a parenting solution. If nothing else works, sometimes a humorous, but not rude, comment can break this tension, and help everyone get back to work. While any parent will want to hold firm to their major beliefs and values, there may be many ways to satisfy these beliefs.

调解员在做这个工作时，还需要要鼓励他们达成平衡。如果没用，有时候大量的对话可以打破沉默，是每个人回到正轨。如果还是坚持他们主要的意见，也还是有很多方式解决这个问题

Parents should be open to different ideas, keep working to satisfy their goals, and be willing to compromise to reach a peaceful solution on behalf of their children.

父母还是该开明，为他们的目标不断努力。愿意为了孩子而舍弃自己的利益。

Do's And Don'ts For Child Custody Mediation:

做与不做的建议

Do focus on the child's needs.

聚焦孩子的需求

Do not focus on parental needs.

放弃父母的需求

Do think of custody as a separate issue relating only to what is best for the child.

为了孩子最好而考虑

Do not discuss child support or property when trying to resolve a parenting plan.

在解决问题时，不要讨论抚养和财产。

Do acknowledge a child's special needs according to her age, temperament, and development.

根据孩子的发展，年龄，性格而满足特殊需求。

Do not assume there is a standard plan that fits the needs of all children.

不奥说有一个标准的计划可以满足孩子所有的需求。

Do acknowledge the other parent's strengths and bring up only valid concerns about the other parent's ability to care for the child.

要考虑另一方的抚养孩子的能力。

Do not bad-mouth the other parent.

不要辱骂另一方。

Do acknowledge that a child needs time with both parents, in a safe environment, developed by a parenting plan.

在安全可靠的环境中，满足孩子的需求。

Do not punish the other parent by withholding children.

不要因为自己抚养孩子就指责另一方。

Do go to mediation prepared with:

准备

1.A proposal for custody and a time-sharing plan

1.时间分配和自己想法的计划

2.A calendar which identifies school holidays, work schedules, the schedule for the child's activities

2.准备一个有孩子假期，工作表，和孩子活动的日历

3.A flexible and business-like attitude

3.灵活的态度。

Do not go to child custody mediation unprepared.

不要不准备。

References:

参考

Ahrons, C. (1994). The Good Divorce. New York: Harper Collins.

分手快乐。纽约。海波 科林斯

Emery, R. (1999). Marriage, Divorce, and Children's Adjustment, 2nd Edition. Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.

婚姻，离婚，孩子适应第二版

Ricci, I. (1997). Mom's House, Dad's House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried (2nd edition). New York: Simon & Schuster. 

父母之家。对离异人士的指导。

About the Author:

作家

Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D. a Licensed Psychologist in Northern California, provides custody evaluations and consultation in high-conflict divorces. He is the author of several books and articles on divorce, including Parenting After Divorce.

北加州大学心理学家。提供离婚后的解决方。离婚之后的作者

Originally published 01/05/01

2001.1.5

Revised 8/13/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D

2009.8.13