圆月弯刀txt全集下载:夫妻本该无话不谈 但下面九句话千万不要对他说

One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don’t watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful — not helpful — ways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husband’s feelings and your relationship. According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author of "Every Day Love," “Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feels battered by life and the outside world. You shouldn’t feel that way at home.” Here, nine statements that you should never utter to your significant other — and the words that you should try instead.
婚姻最好的一点就是可以跟老公无话不谈。但如果说话不经大脑，有些事情还是会脱口而出造成伤害。虽然你有权表达自己的观点，也应该开诚布公，但如果用伤人的方式说了出来，就很有可能造成追悔莫及的伤害，无论是对你的丈夫还是你俩的关系。《天天爱（Every Day Love）》的作者，心理治疗师Judy Ford认为：“友善地沟通是所有夫妇都必须学习的技能。每个人都面对着生活和外界世界带来的压力。在家里也不能放松就太不应该了。”下面就是九句你绝对不该对老公说的话，以及如何用另一种方式表达同样的意思：

1. “Yes, I had an orgasm.” (when you didn’t) 
1、“是的，我已经高潮了。”（而事实上你没有）

Lying is never a great idea, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. “The definition of intimacy is letting another person see your vulnerabilities,” says Ford, and that includes admitting that your sex life might need some S.O.S. When you pretend you’re enjoying sex, you may think that you’re sparing his feelings, but you’re actually pushing him away by not being honest. And chances are, you aren’t fooling him: The very fact that he’s asking usually means he suspects that something is up. When broaching the subject, start with the positive: “Express appreciation of the fact that he even wants to know — ‘that’s so thoughtful of you, honey,’” suggests Ford. Then, while you’re both clothed and not in the bedroom, bring up some things you enjoy sexually and that you would like to try in order to enhance the experience next time around, taking care not to place blame on him. By emphasizing what arouses you and what you two can do in the future, you’ll spare his feelings without duping him in the process.
在性生活方面，说谎绝对不是好主意。“亲密的意义就在于让对方看到自己的脆弱之处，”Ford认为这也包括向对方承认自己的不性福。如果你一直假装在床上很愉悦，你可能觉得这是为了不伤害他的感情，但事实上你是在用不诚实拉开跟他之间的距离。而且他很有可能早就察觉了。他会问这个问题一般就说明他注意到了某些情况不对。说到这个话题时，从积极的角度开始：“先对他能想到这一点表示感谢——‘你真体贴，亲爱的’。”Ford建议。然后等到两人都穿上了衣服，也离开了卧室的时候，谈一些你比较喜欢的床上运动方式，并建议下次可以试试增加情趣，注意一定不要指责他什么。强调这些都是可以让你更有性趣的，并建议可以在今后一起尝试，这就可以不伤他感情又不需要说谎了。

2. “You’re just like your father.”
2、“你跟你爸真是一模一样。”

“This is just a no-no,” says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of "The Pathway to Love." “It’s nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family.” If you’re about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about what’s behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husband’s habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: “Hon, when you’re done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink?” That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process. 
“这是大忌。”《爱途》的作者，心理理疗师Julie Orlov这样认为，“这句话充满了厌恶和鄙视，击中了他一直害怕的，会继承家族中最坏的品质的那点。”当你想表达这种批评，先停一下，想想这句话的言外之意。可能你想的是公公是邋遢鬼，而你的丈夫也喜欢把脏盘子扔得到处都是。但Ford认为，你该做的是跳过侮辱人的部分，直接提出合理的要求，比如：“亲爱的，你吃完三明治之后，能不能把盘子放在水池里？”这样你达到了你的目的，又没有在过程中伤害到他。

3. “When are you going to find a new job?” 
3、“你什么时候才能换个工作啊？”

First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary? “Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are,” says Ford. Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: “Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family,” says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issue with how much money he’s making, “it’s an opportunity to talk about your lifestyle and how you want to live,” she adds. The aim is to avoid putting him on the defensive, and instead work together to create the life you both want.
首先，你要知道自己为什么这么着急地想让他找份新工作。是不是你不满他离家时间太长呢？还是你认为他应该在职业生涯上再进一步？抑或者是他的收入不怎么样？“在说这些有些伤他的话之前，你想要想想自己的问题。”Ford说。千万不要让他觉得你是在攻击他养家养孩子的能力。“男人觉得养家是能力的重要体现。”因此在这个如此敏感的领域指责他会是非常大的打击。为了避免这种情况，你们应该定期谈一下各自的工作、事业发展以及家庭财政。如果你对他的收入不满，“可以谈谈你想要的生活。”重点是不要让他觉得你在攻击他，而是想要一起努力创造两人共同期望的生活品质。

4. “My mother warned me you’d do this!” 
4、“我妈说的对，你就是这样的人！”

Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what you’re doing here is letting him know that there are others in your “camp.” “You are trying to validate your ‘side’ of an argument, as though you’re marshalling an army to your side,” says Orlov. But that’s never a good idea because it’s telling him that you’re not onhis side, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never let the opinions of others’ dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that. “Maybe your mother said ‘he’s too cheap,’” says Orlov. “Say to him, ‘why do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need?’” Without ganging up on him, that could open up a discussion about money worries that stem from his childhood, for example. “Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving,” says Orlov. And if you’re just lashing out? Hold your tongue and focus on the root of what’s making you mad. In the end, coming to a solution together will make you feel better than unleashing hurtful words.
说这话时你肯定是被他惹毛了，因为你想要借此说明不只是我还有别人也一样对你不满。“这么说时你是在找认同者，就好象是组建自己一方的军队。”Orlov说。但这绝非良策，因为你这么说的时候就是说你跟他不是一国的。虽然你不该让别人的意见影响你俩的关系，但如果真的想谈一下你母亲提出的某些方面的话，一定要谨慎开口。“比如说你妈说他太小气，”Orlov说，“你应该对他说：‘为什么你有时候好像不愿意花钱在我们确实需要的东西上呢？’”不要指责他，这很有可能会引发出他坦言某些童年阴影什么的。“这样就有可能谈论一些建设性的解决问题途径了。”要是你真的非常愤怒，咬紧牙关不要开口，想想为什么你会这么生气。不管怎么说，一起想办法解决问题总比恶语伤人更能让你心平气和。

5. “Just leave it — I’ll do it myself!”
5、“别帮倒忙了，我自己来。”

This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husband’s elemental need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, it’s just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do this too often and your husband might think, “I can never do anything right or anything that’ll please her,” says Ford. A better choice is to pick your battles. If he’s in the middle of a task and you think that he’s doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really matters, keeping in mind that, just because he’s doing something differently than you would doesn’t mean that he’s doing it wrong — he is, after all, an adult too. Sure, if he’s about to hurt himself or someone else or break something, kindly step in. But if he’s just loading the dishwasher in a way that drives you nuts? Let it be.
这句话的伤害有两点。首先，这触犯了丈夫想要成为家庭供应者、支持者和有能力者的心理。其次对任何成人说他的工作不符合标准都是很伤人的。常常这么说的话，你的丈夫可能就会觉得：“反正我做什么都不对，或者她永远不会满意。”更好的方式是抓大放小。如果他正在做什么你觉得做得不够好的事情，先评估一下这件事是否真的很重要。毕竟他也是成人了。如果这么做他的确有可能伤到自己或者打破什么东西，那善意地提醒一下。如果只是他把碗碟放进洗碗机的顺序让你烦心，那就算了吧。

6. “You always... [fill in the blank]” or “You never... [fill in the blank]” 
6、“你总是……”或者“你从来不会……”

“These are two phrases I advise couples never to use,” says Ford, “because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive.” These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are he’ll just fire back with all the times he did help. If there are legitimate problems you’d like to address (he really does tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel: “When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't care about the next person who has to drive the car — which is usually me.” Then add the phrase “would you be willing...,” suggests Ford. Try: “Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter tank?” Most men are willing to do most anything that’ll make you happy — it’s all in how you ask.
“这两句话是我建议夫妇永远不要说的，”Ford说。“因为这会让对话变成指责，沟通不再而对方也会开始反击。”这些话可能会让丈夫觉得被无缘无故地攻击了，很有可能他就会回击，指出那些他确实帮上忙的例子。如果你真有些不得不提的问题（比如说他确实老是把工具扔得车库地上到处都是，或者开车后忘记加油），不要以偏概全，专注在这一个问题上。同时表达他这种行为对你产生的心理影响。“当你把油不够的车开回来的时候，我觉得你根本不在乎下一个开车的人，这个人一般来说就是我。”然后补一句：“能不能请你……”比如“能不能请你下次在油箱只剩四分之一的时候就加点？”大部分男人是愿意做能让你开心的事情的，关键是在于你怎么要求。

7. “Do you really think those pants are flattering?”
7、“你真的觉得这条裤子好看吗？”

Are you trying to hint that he’s putting on weight? Because saying the above, says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think that you’re subtly conveying the message, but instead you’re insulting his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead, start with something you like about how he looks: “When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes.” Then broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so it’s about his health, not looks: “Honey, what do you think about us both starting after-dinner walks?” When you’ve softened up your approach, you have more room to make other, helpful suggestions.
这么说是指他变胖了吗？因为你的这句话并不能对他有所帮助。你可能觉得自己很委婉地表达了建议，但事实上你攻击了他的外表，而且也没有表示出自己对他健康的关心。你应该从称赞他外表的某个部分开始：“你穿蓝色衬衫的时候，蓝眼睛就更突出了。”然后用关心健康的方式提出体重问题，而不是说他变难看了。“亲爱的，我们开始一起饭后健走怎么样？”当你这么柔和的提出来时，你就可以提出更多更有帮助的建议了。

8. “Ugh, we’re hanging out with him again?”
8、“呃，我们又要跟他一起玩啊？”

There’s nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you don’t love — no one says spouses are required to adore each other’s friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frat house. What is wrong is insulting your man’s choice of friends. Your disdain may also suggest that you’d prefer to pick his friends for him — and no one wants to be told who they should be pals with. A better choice: “Oh, honey, you know I don’t always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why don’t you plan a guys’ night instead?’” suggests Ford. Remember, there’s no marriage rule that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him having to worry if you’re having fun or are offended by his friend’s jokes. (And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.)
不喜欢丈夫的某个朋友无可厚非，没人说伴侣就必须接受对方的所有朋友，有其实那些老觉得还在狂欢的大学校友们。你错的是不该攻击丈夫的择友能力。你的不屑暗示你想要决定他的朋友。可没有人能接受别人决定自己能跟谁交朋友。更好的说法是：“哦，亲爱的，我不想老是跟你跟George一起做一样的事情。你俩自己出去玩怎么样？”Ford建议。记住，没有一项婚姻条例说你俩一定要形影不离。能跟朋友单独相处而不用担心你是否玩的开心或者会不会对他朋友的笑话不高兴，这样他可能可以更放松些。（同时记住这点，要是这朋友真的不怎么样，你的丈夫很可能慢慢就会自己发现，而你老逼迫他跟其疏远可能适得其反。）

9. “Please watch the kids. But don’t do this, take them here or forget that...” 
9、“你带会孩子吧。不过别这么做……把他们带过来……别那样……”

This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you’re in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help). It’s also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you’ve been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesn’t pitch in, but you don’t always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. “If he always feels like he’s wrong, he’ll only start to disconnect emotionally.” So let Dad be Dad. Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean, safe and fed — even if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different than your own. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how to use the stroller or what the pediatrician’s phone number is, definitely give him the rundown. 
这是标准的新妈妈举动：你太焦虑的时候就很难让别人接管照顾孩子的工作（即使你真的很希望能有人帮一把）。这也可能是一种已经变成习惯了的态度，虽然你已经做妈妈好久了。这会导致某些不好的感觉。你可能会因为他不帮忙而越来越多埋怨，而你又不放手让他去做。说到底没有一个爸爸会愿意在做什么都被你说错的情况下依然努力帮忙的。“要是他觉得自己总是错的，他就会慢慢从情绪上疏离开来。”所以就让爸爸用爸爸的方式好了。要相信他跟你一样，知道怎么保持孩子的干净、安全和不饿肚子，即使有可能他对这些的定义跟你有所不同。不过如果真的有些事情是你必须提醒他的，比如如何使用儿童推车或儿科医生的电话是几号什么的，还是要坚定地提出来。

原文链接：MotherNatureNetwork