中财网萧山九中吕玲玲:你将成为哪类妻子？
来源：百度文库 编辑：中财网 时间：2024/04/28 22:29:18
每个女人婚姻形式都各不相同。Every woman has a different approach to marriage.
不管你是主控类型的，还是逍遥自在型的，不管你是很专横还是很有教养，认识到自己的优缺点总是会对你的婚姻有好处的。下面介绍几种最常见的妻子类型。看看你是哪一种。Whether you’re more take-charge or easygoing, bossy or nurturing, experts say that you can make a marriage work by recognizing your strengths and weaknesses. Below are the most common wife types. Which are you? The Nurturer哺育者一样的妻子 If he has a need, you meet it. You make him chicken soup when he’s sick. You tuck love notes in his bagged lunches and do the dishes most nights because he seems too tired—after all, you reason, his job is more stressful than yours and he needs some down time. “These are women who are driven by a fundamental need to maintain peace,” he says. “The only problem is that when women like this crash, they crash hard.” That’s how Kathleen Buczko, 46, approached her marriage for many years. The marketing consultant from San Pedro, California, says she tried to be as nurturing as possible to her husband. Only one problem: She became burned out on being the “giver.” “When my oldest was born, I tried to keep up the fa?ade,” she says. “I just expected that my husband would sense my exhaustion and step in. He didn't, so about five weeks after our first son was born I was going back to work, and I cracked.” Les Parrott, PhD, cofounder of RealRelationships.com and author of Trading Places: The Best Move You’ll Ever Make in Your Marriage, says there’s nothing wrong with wives who nurture. However, just be sure you do it without sacrificing your own needs. Mild depression, self-pity and negative expressions or outbursts are all warning signs of a nurturer who is on the verge of collapse—and maybe in need of nurturing herself. The Mothering Wife具有母性的妻子 You make his breakfast in the morning, manage his social calendar, remind him to take his medication and lay out his clothes for work each morning (no white socks with slacks!). And why wouldn’t you do these things? You love him and you want him to be well taken care of—and to eat his vegetables! If you have a tendency to mother your husband, you’re not alone. According to Haltzman, lots of women do it, and men, for the most part, don’t complain. “Men like being taken care of,” he says. “It can give him a sense of feeling loved. It can also reduce anxiety about whether his needs are being met. You make his doctor’s appointments and you put his medication out for him in the morning, so you don’t have to worry about his health.” But, this wife style can come with some concerns. “You could be fostering a sense of dependency that your husband may end up taking for granted,” he warns. “The biggest concern is that it can start to create feelings of resentment. The wife starts to feel like the husband is just another child to take care of, and the husband can start to feel like he isn’t respected.” And, let’s face it, he adds, “No man wants to be married to his mother.” Linda Franklin, author and creator of TheRealCougarWoman.com, says she used to mother her husband. “I think it’s pretty common for a woman to transfer that mothering instinct to her significant other,” she says. “It took me a long time to understand that you can be compassionate and loving without being smothering and controlling. A mother is a mother, and a wife is a wife, and never should those roles get confused.” Though this dynamic can work for some couples, Haltzman says try not to let your inner mother take over, and be on the look out for the warning signs of a troubled relationship. “When you start to feel annoyed about picking out his clothes in the morning or setting out his vitamins for him to take,” he says, “it may be time to step back and rethink how you’re approaching the relationship. It’s better that his clothes don’t match and he forgets the vitamins if it makes for a happier dynamic in the relationship.” The “Little Girl” Wife“小女孩”一样的妻子 This style, says Haltzman, is characterized by a woman’s inability to do much of anything on her own. She’s the damsel in distress—the wife who can’t change a lightbulb, figure out how to program the DVR or pay the credit card bill without her husband’s help. She feels as if she must run all decisions by her husband, and she frequently leans on him for guidance and direction in the way a little girl might lean on her father. “This dynamic can appeal to a man’s desire to be the leader, the provider,” says Haltzman. “He can feel reinforced by having someone who values his skills, and she can be reinforced by allowing him to absorb a lot of the stress.” But while a scenario like this can work in the beginning of a relationship, it’s hard to sustain it over time, and it can become problematic, he says, fostering loss of respect and resentment. And, he says, “it may feel good at first to have someone in the driver’s seat, but after a few years you’re going to want to take over the wheel every now and then.” How to make a change? It can be helpful to identify the root cause of this behavior, adds Dr. Parrott. “Look at what’s going on beneath the surface,” he says. Women who were neglected or who didn’t get adequate attention during their childhood can sometimes fall into these roles. The Bossy Wife专横的妻子 Do you write your husband to-do lists? Get on his case about helping around the house? Restrict his golfing dates and tell him who he can hang out with and who he can’t? Don’t be too embarrassed; Haltzman says your wife style is actually quite typical. “This tends to be what the majority of American households fall into, the woman taking charge of aspects of the home life, and sometimes the husband,” he adds. A little bossiness is fine, he says. “We men really don’t mind Honey Do lists.” But, when bossing borders on controlling, you might consider changing your ways. “Men like to joke about the ball-and-chain, but this behavior robs men of independence and leads to a weaker connection between a husband and wife,” continues Haltzman. “When you try to control his agenda, he can start to feel as though you’re taking away an important part of his manhood: choice.” Plus, he adds, taking off the drill sergeant hat once in a while can improve your sex life. “Men want women with at least some sense of vulnerability—this adds to sexual attractiveness.” The Superwife超级妻子 Your husband doesn’t do laundry (remember the time he washed lights with darks—in hot water?), he is a deer in the headlights at the grocery store and the last time he cooked was…back in college—and it was boxed macaroni and cheese. So you step up to the plate…and do it all. Wives that fit this category, says Haltzman, tend to fit the super-mom stereotype. Take Annette Cottrell, 43, a mother of two in Seattle, Washington, who writes the blog SustainableEats.com. In addition to running a small business that pays the mortgage, Cottrell says she’s happy to manage her household without much help from her husband, who often works long hours. When it comes down to it, she says, “I tend to do it all—from the cooking to taking care of the kids’ needs.” But, superwife can quickly turn into super-burned-out wife. In fact, according to recent research, women often suffer from lack of sleep when they try to do it all. “This can get exhausting for the woman,” says Haltzman. “She may feel taken for granted and unappreciated, which can lead to unhappiness and a breakdown of communication between her and her husband.” If this sounds like you, the advice isn’t to stop doing, but to start asking. Sit down with your husband, advises Haltzman, and make a list of the things he can help you with. But remember, he may not load the dishwasher or wash the kids’ hair the way you do. “Women who are truly happy are those who learn to use their husbands as a resource, not an impediment to their happiness,” he adds. The Husband-Centered Wife以丈夫为中心的妻子 Recently, Kristin Armstrong famously admitted that her failed marriage to legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong may have been due, in part, to her own faltering sense of self and personal purpose. Looking back, she says, she was too focused on her husband. “Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity,” she said in a Glamour magazine article in 2006. “If you aren't careful, it can tempt you to become a ‘yes woman.’” “These wives view themselves as being participants in their husbands’ successes,” says Haltzman. Cheering on your husband is great, but just don’t lose your sense of self in the process, he cautions. “This model can get dangerous when a wife focuses so much on her husband that she loses her personality, her sense of self,” he says. By making his career and aspirations the focus, “there’s a chance, at some point in the marriage, that you’re going to feel that you lost out on something of your own.” Haltzman’s advice? Shake things up. “It’s OK to do things that don’t make him happy,” he says. Whether it’s taking a yoga class at 6 pm—which means he has to make dinner for the kids—or bowing out of his company’s holiday party because it conflicts with plans you already made, Haltzman says husband-centered wives shouldn’t be afraid to put “me” back into the equation. And, it might even strengthen your marriage (and sex life). “It’s part of emotional growth,” he continues. “Women can make us better men, but not by doing everything we want.” The Kid-Centered Wife以孩子为中心的妻子 It’s no myth that becoming parents can add stress to a marriage. In fact, a major eight-year study conducted by researchers at Texas A&M and the University of Denver found that as many as 90 percent of couples experience a decrease in marital satisfaction after having children. The common thing that happens, says Dr. Parrott, is for a woman to go from loving wife to devoted mommy. The only problem, he adds, is that sometimes she forgets to make room for her husband too. Kathy Takahashi, a mother of two in Bellevue, Washington, says the birth of her first child brought great changes to her marriage. “In the beginning, the experience of new parenthood was so intense and so overwhelming,” she says, “and the needs of my high-need baby so great, that I had neither the time nor energy to spend on my husband.” And now, years later, Takahashi says she’s working on ways of realigning her priorities, but it’s not always easy. “There's something in me that says I have to respond to every need and want my children express or, somehow, I'm depriving them,” she says. “Something's got to give and, sadly, my husband gets bumped way down the list.” While no one would suggest that being devoted to your children is a bad thing, don’t do it at the risk of your relationship, says Dr. Parrott. “Wives who take this approach care greatly for their children and are wonderful mothers,” he continues, “but don’t forget to tune into your husband’s needs too.” How to get back to the way you were? Take Dr. Parrott’s advice: “Don’t just talk about it, show him that you want to make a change,” he says. “Take the initiative to plan a date night, a shared activity. Go do something fun together like you did before you had kids. Guys want a playmate; they don’t want to talk. This will speak volumes to your husband.”
只要他有要求，你就满足。他生病的时候你给他炖鸡汤，在他的午餐便当里塞上爱心纸条，大多数晚饭由你来做，只因为他看上去似乎很累——你有你的理由，因为你觉得毕竟他的工作比你的压力大，所以需要时间休息一会儿。他说：“这种女人总是试图维护平和的生活，唯一的问题就是，一旦这种女人崩溃，她们会崩溃的很严重。”
46岁的凯瑟琳 布奇科介绍了多年来她处理婚姻的方式。她是加利福尼亚州圣佩德罗的营销顾问，她说在她的婚姻中她对丈夫总是尽量像个哺育者一样。唯一的问题是，作为一个给与者她变得筋疲力尽。
“大儿子出生后，我努力支撑。我只希望丈夫能够察觉到我的疲惫，然后帮帮我。但他没有。所以大儿子出生大约五星期后我重新回去上班时突然崩溃了。”
赖斯 派瑞博士是RealRelationships.com的创办人之一，著有《颠倒乾坤——婚姻中的最佳抉择》，他说做一个哺育者似的妻子并没有什么错，但是，一定要确保这样做不会牺牲掉你自己的需求。轻度抑郁症、自怜、否定表达或情感爆发都预示着培育者正处于崩溃的边缘，或许她们需要哺育一下自己。
你帮他做早饭，帮他管理社交安排表，提醒他吃药，每天早上把他上班要穿的衣服找出来搭配好。为什么不这样做呢，你爱他，希望给他很好的照顾，想办法让他吃蔬菜。
如果你对自己的丈夫有母性的倾向，那你并不孤单。距霍斯曼说，很多女性都有这种倾向，而大多数男人也乐于接受。他说：“男人喜欢被照顾的感觉。这会让他们有被爱的感觉，并且还能减轻他们因自己的需求是否能够被满足而产生的焦虑。你帮他预约医生，早上把药拿给他，这样就不用担心他的健康了。”
但是这种类型的妻子还要注意一些问题。他警告说：“你可能正在培养丈夫的依赖感，到最后可能他会以为这些都是理所当然的。最大的问题是他还能滋生出不满情绪。妻子会渐渐觉得丈夫就像是自己照顾的另一个孩子，而丈夫会觉得自己没有得到尊重。”而且，还得面对这一事实，他补充说：“没有哪个男人想娶个母亲。”
作家琳达 富兰克林是TheRealCougarWoman.com的创建者，她说自己总是母亲般的照顾丈夫。“我觉得女性将母性本能转移到自己的另一半身上是相当普遍的情况，我用了很长时间才明白，不用控制或者让人喘不过气来也能给与爱喝同情。母亲就是母亲，妻子就是妻子，角色不该混淆起来。”
尽管这种状态可能会对一些夫妻有好处，但霍斯曼说尽量还是不要让内心的母性取代你作为妻子的角色，并要多留意那些表示夫妻间关系出现问题的迹象。他说：“如果你已经厌倦了早上帮他把衣服拿出来放好或者拿药给他，那就是时候回头看看你们是怎么变成现在这种关系的了。如果能让你们的关系更加美好，那么即使他的衣服不配套或者他忘了吃药也没什么。”
霍斯曼说，这种类型妻子的特点就是表现出来的女性无法独立做什么事情的那种无力感。她是苦恼的女子——没有丈夫的帮助，自己就不会换灯泡、不知道怎么制作DVR或者还信用卡。她觉得一切似乎都应该由丈夫来决定，她常常像小女孩依赖父亲那样依赖丈夫的指导和说明。
“这种情况可能会满足男人希望成为领导者或者做决定者的愿望，因为有人承认他的能力，所以男人会感到自己受到了鼓励，而妻子则因为允许丈夫承受大量压力也会被奖励。”
但是，他说，这样的情节只有在夫妻关系刚开始的情况下起作用，很难维持很长时间，很快就会出问题，引起夫妻间的互不尊重或者怨恨。他还说：“刚开始的时候，有人帮你开车可能让你感觉很好，但过上几年，你可能时不时的就会想自己开一开了。”
那么怎么改变这种情况呢？帕洛特博士的意见是要找出其根源。他说：“要看看表象下到底发生了什么。有时候，如果女性在童年时代被忽视或者没有得到足够的重视，那她就很可能成为小女孩一样的妻子。”
你有没有列个单子告诉你丈夫做这个那个？有没有让他在家里帮助做事？你有没有限制他打高尔夫球，告诉他能和谁一起去，不能和谁一起去？不用觉得很不好意思，霍斯曼说，这种妻子类型其实相当典型。他还说：“美国的大多数家庭会出现这种情况，在这些家庭中，有时候是妻子负责家庭生活方面，有时候是丈夫。”
霍斯曼说，小小跋扈一下没什么不好。他说：“我们男人真的不在意什么Honey Do lists。” 但是，一旦跋扈到了想控制别人的底部，那就得改变方式了。他还说：“男人喜欢拿球和链的情况开玩笑，但是这种行为剥夺了男人的自由，使得丈夫和妻子间的关系变得薄弱。如果你试图干涉他的日程，他会觉得好像你在把他男子气概的一部分——选择权——夺走一样。”另外，他还补充到，偶尔把你的教官毛摘下来一次还能有助于改善你们的性生活。“男人希望女人至少有一点娇弱感，这样的女人会更加性感，更有吸引力。”
你的丈夫不会洗衣服（他有没有把浅色衣服和深色衣服一起洗，还是用热水？），在商店里就像被车灯吓呆的鹿，他上次做饭时，哦，早在大学的时候，而且那次做的是盒装通心粉和奶酪。所以你就开始行动了，自己来做这一期。
霍斯曼说，这种类型的妻子往往适合超级妈妈的刻板印象。比如安妮特 科特雷尔，她今年43岁，是两个孩子的母亲，住在华盛顿州的西雅图，她博客的地址是SustainableEats.com。科特雷尔说，除了为按揭而做些小生意外，她还很高兴的管理着家庭事务，不用丈夫帮忙，因为他总是在工作。说到这个时，她说：“我常常自己做所有事情，从做饭到看孩子，都是自己做。”
但是，超级妻子们很快会变成超级疲惫不堪妻子。实际上，根据最近的研究，女性通常会因为她们想自己承担所有的事而造成睡眠不足。霍斯曼说：“这会使女性感到疲惫。她们可能会觉得这是理所当然的而忽略这种疲惫感，这会引起她与丈夫间沟通上的不愉快或者障碍。”
如果你像这一类型的妻子，那么给你的建议并不是说以后就“什么都不做”了，而是要学会“要求”。霍斯曼的建议是，和丈夫坐下来谈一谈，列张单子看看他能帮你做些什么。但是记住，他用洗碗机或者给孩子洗头发的方式可能会和你不同。“懂得利用丈夫这个资源会让女人真正的幸福，而不会成为幸福的阻碍。”
最近，克里斯汀 阿姆斯特朗公开承认，她与传奇车手兰斯 阿姆斯特朗之间婚姻失败部分可能是因为自己自我意识和个人目的不够强。她说，回首过去，自己太专注于丈夫了。在2006年的一期《魅力》杂志中她说道：“婚姻可能会腐蚀掉你自身的一些东西，如果你不小心，它会又是你变成一个只会说是的女人。”
霍斯曼说：“这些妻子认为丈夫的成功自己也有份。”他提醒说，为丈夫喝彩很好，但是在这个过程中也不要失去自我感。他说：“一旦做妻子的过于关注丈夫而失去了自己的个性以及自我感，那么他们的关系就变得危险了。”把丈夫的事业和抱负作为生活的焦点，“在婚姻中，有时候你会感到你在失去自己的某些东西。”
霍斯曼的意见？改变一些事情。他说：“做一些让他不开始的事情也没什么。”不管事在下午6点去上瑜伽课（这意味着他得给孩子们做晚饭），还是因为与自己的计划冲突而不去参加他们公司的假日聚会，霍斯曼说，以丈夫为中心的妻子们不应该怕把“我”重新放回平等的位置上。而且，这可能还能够改善你们的婚姻，甚至是你们的性生活。他说：“这是增长情绪的一部分作用，女人能让我们成为更好的男人，但光做我们想让她们做的事情不行。”
有了孩子会增加婚姻的压力，这不假。实际上，一项由德克萨斯A&M大学和丹佛大学的研究人员共同实施的一项长达八年的重要研究表明，有孩子后，百分之九十的夫妻对婚姻的满意度下降。派瑞特博士说，最普遍的情况是女性有了孩子后就由一个忠诚的妻子变成了专职妈妈。他还说，唯一的问题是有时候她会忘了应该也给丈夫留点空间。
凯西 高桥是两个孩子的母亲，住在华盛顿州贝尔维尤市，她说第一个孩子的出生给自己的婚姻带来了巨大的变化。她说：“开始的时候，初做父母的经历如此强烈，如此不可抗拒，被宝宝需要的感觉如此棒，以至于我既没有时间也没有精力去管我的丈夫。”
现在，很多年过去了，高桥说她正在重新调整重点，但并不容易。“我总是觉得我该对孩子们的任何要求和希望作出回应，否则，出于某种原因，我会觉得自己在剥夺他们的权利。有些东西必须给与，可悲的是我丈夫就成了最不受关注的对象。”
帕洛特博士说，没人会说你深爱自己的孩子有什么错，但也不要因为这样就给你们的夫妻关系带来风险。他还说：“这样做的妻子都会很好的照顾孩子，是很好的妈妈，但是也不要忘了谐调一些丈夫的需求。”
怎样回到原来的轨道上呢？帕洛特博士的建议是：“不要只是嘴上说说，而是要让他看到你正在做出改变。第一步可以计划一个约会之夜，一起做些什么。一起做一些有趣的事，就像你以前和孩子们一起做的那样。男人们都想要个玩伴，他们不喜欢谈话。这对你丈夫来说可能意味深长。”